Would you look at the hat on that critter, Leo? I wonder what purpose that thing serves in the wild?

Would you look at the hat on that critter, Leo? I wonder what purpose that thing serves in the wild? There must be some literature on this species somewhere near the cage.

Every once in a while, I come across some bafflifying news stories that make me wonder why animals aren’t visiting humans at the zoo.

And you know me. I’m not keeping these newsanderthal moments in human devolution to myself. That would be selfish and mean I would have to be working on my novel, which obviously I don’t feel like doing.

Woman Turns up Alive Two Weeks After Her Funeral

Philadelphia, PA: From the Associate Press Article, “Services for 50-year-old Sharolyn Jackson were held Aug. 3. Jackson’s mother, Carrie Minney, says the woman in the casket was a dead ringer for her daughter, except for the nose. She says the family assumed something had happened to the nose during the embalming process. Jackson showed up at a mental health facility in Philadelphia last week.” Now that’s a shame. She missed the chance of a lifetime–to hear what people really say about you after you’re dead.

Yes, that's our Sharolyn. Sniff. Sniff. She was always such a clown, but underneath... Anyway, her nose doesn't look quite right--too...upturned maybe? But I heard the the embalming guy at Butcher, Burnum, and Leavitt Funeral Home is new and might have gotten a little crazy with the pump.

Yes, that’s our Sharolyn. Sniff. Sniff. She was always such a clown, but underneath… Anyway, her nose doesn’t look quite right–too…upturned maybe? But I heard the embalming guy at Butcher, Burnum, and Leavitt Funeral Home is new and might have gotten a little crazy with the pump.

Sex Drive-in Now Open in Zurich

Zurich, Switzerland: Remember drive-in movies? Well this is kind of like that. Only the sex is guaranteed. You gotta love the Swiss. They admit that they have a problem with prostitution and, while they are befuddled about how to stop it, what with all the supply and demand, they want to make the transactions safer. So they’re experimenting with “sex boxes,” which are just fashionably teak-colored open wooden garages where men drive in and apparently women get in. A word to the wise for anyone buying a used Volvo: you might want to do a once-over with one of those ultra-violet lights.

Let's make it a "quickie," shall we?

Let’s make it a “quickie,” shall we?

Lawmaker says Reason for Minority Poverty is Fried Chicken

Denver Colorado: Vicki Marble, a Republican Senator from the great state of Colorado, a state known for its clean air and healthy living, finally found a simple solution to the complex problem of high poverty rates among racial minorities. They eat too much fried chicken. She was quick to point out how delicious the stuff is, probably because she didn’t want to offend the fried chicken farmers of America.

Hmmm. Either the Colorado Senator is wrong or Mitt Romney is headed a life as a poor black man.

Hmmm. Either Senator Marble has lost her, well, marbles or Mitt Romney is headed for a life as a poor black man.

Woman gets Head Stuck in Bannister During Sex

Russia: In an attempt to spice things up for her boyfriend, who apparently thinks sex on a staircase is quite spicy, a woman got her head stuck between two of the spindles. Someone–I’m thinking Kinky Russian Loverboy–called the police. But she was naked and alone when help arrived. I’m thinking this relationship is over. They were obviously stair-crossed lovers.

Sure. No problem. I'll be happy to stand here while you snap some pictures. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere. Hey! Wait! Where are YOU going? How am I going to explain this to the neighbors? Not your problem, you say? Well just you wait and see how my problem becomes your problem right after my problem gets solved. Never mind. It makes sense to me.

Sure. I’ll be happy to stand here while you snap some pictures. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere. Hey! Wait! Where are YOU going? How will I explain this to the neighbors? Not your problem, you say? Well just you wait and see how my problem becomes your problem right after my problem gets solved. Never mind. It makes sense to me.

What zany news stories have you heard that make you wish you weren’t swimming in the same gene pool as some of the foolified people floating around out there?

Innovative, kind of creepy, or ill-advised (in the"this will end badly for any number of reasons" way)?

Innovative, kind of creepy, or ill-advised (in the”this will end badly for any number of reasons” way)?