I think this would make a fine aquarium. It certainly would be more stimulating.

I think this would make a fine aquarium. It certainly would be more stimulating.

I got rid of cable six months ago. Don’t panic! My cablelessness was by choice, not because:

1. I failed to pay my bill

2. I became Amish

3. I was concerned about the dangers of electronium and plasmavores shooting from the flat screen and into my already dizzy head from watching too many episodes of Law and Order (all variations).

No, I ditched cable because I was sick of paying for 400+ channels of nonsense interrupted by constant commercial breaks.

No, I wouldn't say that my 10 hours of TV viewing per day has influenced me one way or the other.

No, I wouldn’t say that my 10 hours of TV viewing per day has influenced me one way or the other.

But being in a NYC hotel room for much of the day while my guy is conferencing has given me the opportunity to reacquaint myself to cable.

The reunion has been interesting. I used to watch The Today Show, so that’s what I’ve been watching all week. I have to admit, the urge to go down to Rockefeller Center, stand outside and wave to the cameras crossed my mind briefly. But who would I wave to? Scrappy wouldn’t see me because we don’t have cable. My sisters and mom don’t watch the Today Show. Plus I didn’t have anything to make a decent sign with. And what would it say? “I’m a Highly Sensitive Blonde. SHUSH!” So I canned that idea and watched the show from my hotel room.

That's the best I could come up with and the hotel staff would let me take it.

That’s the best I could come up with and the hotel staff would let me take it.

Here’s what I learned from the four days of watching this morning “news” show. Well, “learned” is a strong word. Maybe I should say, here’s what I remember. Yes, that’s more accurate. These are the items that Matt, Savannah, Al, and the pretty one who does the real news for the first five minutes got all excited about.

1. A real strong guy couldn’t open a bottle of water. That’s what I don’t like about the news–it’s all about fear. If a he-man can’t open a bottle of water, how safe are we?

I bet military training will now include combat bottle opening.

I bet military training will now include combat bottle opening.

2. Al Roker over-slept and missed his “Wake Up With Al” weather show, which is really ironic. If irony is breaking news, my life should be fodder for many a headline.

3. President Obama has been on the Tonight Show 6 times. Wow. That must be a record or something.

4. Oprah’s turning 60 and she looks way better on her magazine cover than when Al was interviewing her. I really need to learn how to use PhotoShop.

60 is the new 30, or so says Al.

60 is the new 30, or so says Al. I think he’s fishing for an invite to your party.

Um, where's your double chin, O?

Um, where’s your double chin, O? You better stop sending that other overweight woman out to do live interviews for you. It confuses people.

5. Beyonce has a new hair do. Apparently her long hair got caught in a fan (not a person but one of those things meant to move air around), so she cut it short (her hair, not her career). There was some debate among the hosts about whether it was the right move (her hair cut, not her dance sequence).

6. Arianna Huffington’s daughter has been addicted to cocaine for a long time. Really? Go figure. A rich kid hooked on cocaine. Real shocker.

7. Waiters never spit in your food if you tick them off. A waiter debunked this myth and he had no reason to deny that that kind of thing ever happens. I’m relieved, aren’t you?

This isn't what you think. He is sucking something out that isn't supposed to be in those onion rings. I wouldn't order onion rings if I were you. Not all servers are probably so conscientious.

This isn’t what you think. He is sucking something out that isn’t supposed to be in those onion rings. I wouldn’t order onion rings if I were you. Not all servers are probably so conscientious.

8. Two guys don’t want all the fun to stay in Spain. They are hosting “The Running of the Bulls” in several American cities so that you don’t have to travel all the way to Pamplona to be gored or trampled by thousands of pounds of angry bulls. You can, for a $35 fee, have your butt bull-whupped here in the good old US of A. Americans do need more motivation to exercise. Plus weeding out a few morons isn’t such a bad idea. Did that sound judgmental? I’m sorry. Getting in front of bulls, which can run 35 MPH, have very sharp horns, and won’t stop because you’re tired or sick of this game, is not moronic. It’s exciting and might get you dropped from your insurance policy.

9. Stephen Colbert has a new dance video out. I’m not sure why, but it doesn’t matter. Anything he does gets press and makes him lots of money.

10. There is a new Today Show “ap” for your mobile devise so you don’t have to miss any of this breaking nonsense news.

I also watched a few episodes of Seinfeld. I mean, how can I be in NYC and not watch Seinfeld?