Lorna’s back surgery creates more than a scar in her lower lumbar region…
I had the good fortune to attend a lecture by Deepak Chopra, Endocrinologist, expert in mind-body medicine, spiritual scholar, and generally nice guy. His lecture was in Syracuse, NY and a local newspaper was giving away free tickets to anyone who emailed him a question that he chose to answer in an interview prior to the event. I’d read many of his books to cope with my health “issues” and was grappling with this question, which I emailed to Deepka (we’re on a first-name basis), “What’s the difference between giving up and letting go?” He chose my question and 6 others to answer, thus I attended his lecture for free.
Before I tell you his answer, you need some background.
My quest to stay “Healthy Lorna” was failing miserably. The back surgery put the kibosh to my illusion that I was “fine.” That left me with two options:
- Give up. I wasn’t experiencing a continual barrage of “temporary” set-backs,” so invest in a wheelchair and one of those Medic-Alert thingies that I hang around your neck and press if I fell.
I guess I just had one option.
I saw a counselor to deal with my depression and periodic thoughts of doing myself in should a fall down the stairs not kill me.
I recovered slowly from the back surgery, the staph infection only setting me back a few weeks. My left foot never regained full function, so my runway model days were over, given my tell-tale tha-thunk tha-thunk gait, especially when tired, which was just about always. Also, the muscles in my left leg began to disappear since the nerves from my spine stopped talking to them. My right leg, due to great genes and lots of exercise looked fit and trim; my left leg looked like it belonged to an anorexic flamingo. Since modern medicine hadn’t accomplished a successful full leg transplant yet, I had to get creative. I bought Sketcher Shape-Ups and hoped I could develop my leg muscles from the ground up. It worked! Only the most discerning leg-man could tell the difference between Former-Flamingo-Leg and Sexy Healthy-Leg. My “foot-flop” (yes, that’s a technical term), was better, too, but I still avoided the runway unless a plane was involved.
Besides the counselor, I began reading different kind of self-help books than before. I was less interested in my inner Divine Self and more interested in finding inner peace. I realized that “issues” were just “problems” with different letters. I wasn’t the same Lorna I’d always been. I was different. But different didn’t have to mean defunct. I just thought it did and so did everyone around me, which only helped convince me I was as broken as my house.
Reading Deepak’s books and books by the Dalai Lama introduced me to Buddhism. They all spoke of “letting go” (and lots of other cryptic esoteric things). I didn’t understand the difference between “letting go” and “giving up.” I was a lot of things, but “quitter” wasn’t one of them; but maybe”stubborn” was. Never great at getting hints, maybe all these health issues problems were my body’s way of conking me on the head. Maybe I should explore this “letting go” business. So I asked my buddy, Deepak.
He told me, via a newspaper article, that “giving up” implies you expect some outcome that you think you can control, it doesn’t happen, and you get frustrated. [Insert delightful India-Indian chuckle.] “Letting go” is a practice within Buddhism where you, moment-by-moment, drop all expectations of any particular outcome and just accept life and all its possibilities. [Insert nervous Lorna chuckle.] While it took me eons quite a while to process the answer, I finally understood. I needed to make friends with my new self, dizziness and the whole ball of adventures. I had to drop any expectations of returning to my former self or of a vision of some new-and-improved self. I needed to embrace who I was at that moment and accept that anything was possible in the next moment and accept whatever that was too.
Christians speak of “finding God.” I found personal salvation in the simple instruction of “letting go.” I had the same symptoms, but felt so much more peaceful and calm. Everything I read about CFIDS and everything Dr. M told me was that if I still had symptoms 5 years after its onset, I was highly likely to have it for the rest of my life. I had reached the 5-year mark. I was fine with that, being that I was no longer enemies with myself.
Chuck was not fine with my new attitude. He thought I gave up and he couldn’t understand nor tolerate quitting. I didn’t want 5th and 6th opinions. He did. For the first time since I got sick and we shared the goal of fixing me, we lost our common ground. In my opinion, I didn’t need fixing any more; in his opinion, I needed fixing more than ever.
What happens to their relationship when Lorna befriends herself?
Lorna's Voice
May 08, 2014 @ 11:11:10
Wow, Robin, you’re going back to some of my old posts–that means I should start writing some new material! 😉 I’m glad this one helped you, though. Have you read my memoir. There stories are the foundation of it…
reocochran
Apr 21, 2014 @ 18:44:35
I liked the way you didn’t dwell on the negatives in your life, but I am so sad you have had these health challenges, your foot and back never fully healing and yet, you are trying to get us to laugh! I know my runway days were never going to happen…. too short and once had a ‘booty’ that was kind of large! I lost it with my last weight loss, now I wish I had one to shake, while dancing and sashaying across rooms with! I think that it is interesting to think about letting go in such a way that you have no expectations. I like this, it is quite freeing to me! Thanks for this post, you have me feeling lighter and less weighed down. Also, feeling lucky. Wishing you better body parts! Sorry again about all that you have gone through! Smiles, Robin
Lorna's Voice
Nov 06, 2011 @ 17:18:50
I love your last line…Good-bye heavy heart. Hello gentle placid waters… If only that had happened.
Inside the Mind of Isadora
Nov 06, 2011 @ 15:32:53
Isn’t it amazing how differently we look at things once we are ill and really can’t do much about it?
I have been where you are/were ( I don’t know how to cross out a word like you do – LOLOL) – anyway, we find things that guide us without too much thought to searching for them. Yours was presented to you in the form of Deepok and you were open to receive the gift. It transformed your life because you were guided in a diffeent direction. It is not always easy for another ( in your case you spouse, Chuck) to accept these new avenues. When the two do accept the new path life becomes so enlightened that the joy can be overwhelming blinding, sometimes.
Good-bye heavy heart – Hello gentle placid waters … I’ve come to play in your pond of tranquility.
Namaste,
Izzy
Lorna's Voice
Oct 29, 2011 @ 09:59:25
I find that all kinds of magical things fall into place in my life just when I need them. And You’re right about there being all kinds of different personalities out there–knowing how to deal them is the trick. I didn’t know how to deal very well with my husband.
Lorna's Voice
Oct 29, 2011 @ 09:53:08
Great! The titles sound a bit depressing, but they really are inspirational.
Lorna's Voice
Oct 29, 2011 @ 09:51:14
No problem. Good luck and remember, forgiving and moving on is a very peaceful way to live. 🙂
hollyjb
Oct 29, 2011 @ 08:04:21
I’m so glad you were able to find a way to be at peace with yourself and happy with your life. Even though I profess to be a Christian (based on my beliefs and actions I have taken in the past) I am no where near the place you are. Truth is, a lot of times I am not happy with myself or my life. I think a lot of this is because of misplaced notions I what I should have/have accomplished by now, and it’s all me putting this in my head.
I too am stubborn. I think Chuck was (is?) way too much the control freak. But there are every type of person in the world, we just have to know how to deal with them.
That’s awesome that you got to go to the lecture for free!
msmouse7
Oct 29, 2011 @ 00:56:58
Thanks for the recommendations. Will be tracking them down this weekend.
Aurora, HSP
Oct 28, 2011 @ 18:25:25
I think you are onto something there. He notices everyone’s judgement, as he deems it, not just mine. Anyone who is not in agreement with his line of thinking. It irks me no end. But he cannot even see that he does that. Maybe self-delusion is part of the belief system for him. LOL So much of who people are and what their own innate character is, factors in, I would have to know him a million years to figure out how he can “dual persona” so well for himself… I think I’ll just let it go and accept the limitations of this friendship knowing of this penchant for judgments/label assignation to others. He makes my head hurt, it’s so frustrating to watch double standards in motion with such tidy little labels for it all, there is no prying his mind open but i think it just gives him license to carry on doing what he wants by making others “wrong”… including me because he has tried that a few times to no avail, Counselling 101, LOL Thanks for the thoughtful feedback, appreciate your time 🙂
Lorna's Voice
Oct 28, 2011 @ 09:23:33
Yes, Gayle, Chuck no longer had the “hero” or “advocate” role, but he was always welcome to be a supportive partner. He didn’t want that. Relationships are interesting–that’s a fact.
Lorna's Voice
Oct 28, 2011 @ 09:21:34
I read two books by a Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, “When Things Fall Apart” and “The Places That Scare You.” That’s where I learned s much about navigating life with kindness and forgiveness. I’m pretty sure she talks about letting go. Almost all Buddhists do. Good luck. Pema makes Buddhism understandable. I love her books and tapes.
Lorna's Voice
Oct 28, 2011 @ 09:10:11
Well, they were mine, too, for quite a while. I wanted the “old Lorna” back. But once I learned to accept myself and my situation and let go of preconceived expectations, Chuck and I parted ways on our approaches to my life.
Lorna's Voice
Oct 28, 2011 @ 09:07:36
This lesson sounds simple but is very difficult and has to be learned over and over. But once you get it, my oh my, it can turn your life around! I’m glad my story is helping you on your journey. Really glad…
Lorna's Voice
Oct 28, 2011 @ 09:05:32
No matter how much I study Buddhism, I learn more about how misunderstood the teachings or forgot the intention or just forgot the teaching. I’m not sure about Buddhist men versus women. I have so little experience with either. The few Buddhist men I know are kind and gentle and follow the practice. So I can only say that your friend still has expectations (which is only human) and isn’t ready to acknowledge them fully in himself. It’s always easier to see the flaws in others. The Dalai Lama said identify the quality that really bothers you in someone else and you will find that is the very same quality you possess but repress (my words, not his). Maybe he notices your judgement so much because he stil has an issue with judging. Just a thought…
Aurora, HSP
Oct 28, 2011 @ 02:52:26
“I had to let go before I gave up.” = Lorna Gem
I understand “surrender.” It is akin to vulnerability. Wherein you do not give up so much as simply give. It’s easier than resistance, though many would argue that. But then most of those are still resisting, too…lol.
I like this phrase in your piece:
“Letting go” is a practice within Buddhism where you, moment-by-moment, drop all expectations of any particular outcome and just accept life and all its possibilities.”
We may not understand it but just letting it be can be the best remedy for letting life flow as it should. Now, that said, I am in a very deep debate with a Buddhist friend who tells me he practises non-judgment at all times, yet when things are not going to suit what I perceive to be his own personal agenda, he judges, alright. Yet, he cannot see it. He believe himself to be free of judgment all the while assigning labels to others or deciding what they/are/do etc and he’s been a Buddhist since his 20’s (now older than I am). I hate to sound so sexist but I have observed tremendous differences between Buddhist women and Buddhist men. I like the women’s way far more than the men’s… so far… but still learning about this and many other things in life. When I finally grow up, maybe I’ll know a thing or three, LOL
Love your philosophy for living and your voice, sister.
tsonoda148
Oct 27, 2011 @ 22:09:36
Learning to let go and accepting yourself for the new you sounds blissful to me. I need to learn how to do this.
Your story continues to intrigue me. This time, however, I began relating some of your discovery to myself….or at least the way I would like to be.
Another amazing post, Lorna. Thank you for sharing.
souldipper
Oct 27, 2011 @ 20:14:23
Dr. Chopra’s definition reminds me that I don’t have to give up hope…just expectations of specific results. That’s where the disappointment lies – in unfulfilled expectation. In this case, it sounds like they aren’t yours!
Msmouse7
Oct 27, 2011 @ 13:06:02
Thanks for the explaining the diff between letting go and giving up. I have wondered the same thing and am struggling with it. Any book recommendations on how to proceed?
Bodhirose
Oct 27, 2011 @ 12:56:15
Perhaps in your acceptance of “what is”, it removed Chuck from the quotient–now what will be his role in your life.
Wow, relationships sure are “interesting” aren’t they?
I’m glad you found a way to strengthen your weakened leg–I think Sketchers should make you their spokeswoman!
Lorna's Voice
Oct 27, 2011 @ 11:18:00
Wasn’t that kid a scream? I saw him and burst out laughing. 🙂
Lorna's Voice
Oct 27, 2011 @ 11:17:11
I don’t have any feeling in my left shin–it’s numb. I never had leg pain or balance problems due to the back surgery (only my dizziness). The foot-flop is definitely more pronounced when I’m tired and atrocious when I wear flip-flop sandals.
After I started wearing the Sketcher Shape-Ups, I noticed the muscles rebuilding after about 6 weeks. The first few weeks were quite painful–calf cramps because the muscles were being worked for the first time in months. So I could only wear the shoes for an hour, then slowly increase the amount of time I wore them. Now I wear them all day, every day. The company does not pay me to say this, but they worked for me. Both legs look shapely and symmetrical, the left one has just a little less muscular definition than the right, but it’s SO much better than before I started wearing them.
I still get lower back pain and have to watch my posture when I sit. But otherwise, I as healthy as a dizzy blonde gets. 😉
Lorna's Voice
Oct 27, 2011 @ 11:09:05
You got it! Doing it and remembering it in times when we need it most is the challenging part. I keep revisiting that, myself. These Buddhist lessons are not like anything I learned in school–learn it once and I got it. I learn it, get it, forget it, relearn it, … Life is a circle, not a straight line. 😉
Lorna's Voice
Oct 27, 2011 @ 11:06:05
Sounds like you “get it” Phil. Good for you. Not a lot of people do. They find it scary to let go. I found it liberating. I think Chuck found my liberation scary. It’s harder to control someone who is spiritually liberated. It’s still possible to try, though…
Lorna's Voice
Oct 27, 2011 @ 11:03:38
Oh, does the saga ever continue… 😉
Big Al
Oct 27, 2011 @ 09:42:53
Another fascinating post about a fascinating life. And I’m glad we finally got to meet your inner “rapper.”
Too creative for this life
Oct 27, 2011 @ 09:20:36
Loving yourself as you are now does not mean quitting or even stagnation. It even helps you heal. Accepting the now allows for any number of futures. (No I didn’t talk to Deepak, just 20 years of therapists finally kicked in) How long did it take for your spine to start talking to your flamingo leg to regain strength? (love flamingo leg, I’ve always called mine my little leg) Did your leg hurt even though the problem was in your spine? Did you lose any other sensations-hot/cold/pain. Did you lose your sense of balance? I am actually excited, I have never talked to anyone else with foot flop before. The toes of my right shoes always wear out on top of the shoe from flopping and dragging, which is so much worse when tired.
hawleywood40
Oct 27, 2011 @ 09:17:30
What a journey! I am slowly learning the difference between “letting go” and “giving up” myself, and this really helps put it in perspective. Accepting and loving who we are now and being thankful for what we can do and who we are at this moment is NOT saying we aren’t also going to strive to do more/feel better. It is being happy in the moment, and it is good : ).
Phil
Oct 27, 2011 @ 07:59:51
How bittersweet. You finally come to terms with all those difficulties and arrive at a good place emotionally and spiritually only to find your partner does not share the same vision of this oasis.
It has taken me a long time in my own life to both recognize the fact that the only moment in our life that is guaranteed is present, and to use that knowledge to ensure you live in it and not waste an inordinate amount of energy dwelling on the past, or over-planning the future, lest you wind up fretting over yet more lost time dwelling about the past once again. I love the dichotomy of “letting go” and “giving up.” Sound advice and quite insightful.
totsymae1011
Oct 27, 2011 @ 07:07:03
Geeez…you’ve been through the health ringer! And there’s more drama with Chuck? The saga continues…