I moved from a rural area to a highly populated one.

Logic told me that big cities are dangerous.

But crime happens everywhere, right?

It’s just that when you pack a bunch of people together, more crime happens. It just makes sense.

So I read my local paper to keep abreast of the crime I should be worried about.

Or not worried about.

Yup. Every day it seems that somebody (as opposed to some body) is missing or found mysteriously lifeless (as opposed to just needing to get a life).

Suspiciously dead bodies are turning up in rivers, lakes, fields, mountains, bike paths, parks … you name it. I’m thinking all this emphasis on going outside because it’s so lovely is backfiring.

Oh sure, people are dying inside, too. But they did that back in New York State. We just have a different kind of criminal out here in Portlandia. Crime plays out here.

And it’s not just the murderers causing a ruckus.

Someone lifted a summer cabin. Yup. The whole cabin. By “lifted,” I mean someone had stolen, pinched, bagged, purloined, swiped, or snatched a cabin in the woods.

The owners put up posters to help the police with their efforts at finding the darned thing. You know, the kind of posters you put up when your dog, cat, or grandfather goes missing. When I say “the kind of posters,” I mean the ones that have MISSING then a picture of the misappropriated cabin and contact information.

And then there was the ex-con armed bank robber who failed to report in to his halfway house while on probation, so now he was wanted for a federal probation violation. I’m not making this up. His name is Jason Strange and he did kind of a strange thing that got him caught and put safely back in the lock-up.

Apparently, he wasn’t just a dangerous criminal; he was a stupid criminal and a wanna-be actor. So he went for it and got a leading role in a low-budget horror film, Marla Mae, shot locally. It actually got made! Here is their description of the movie: “When a girl goes to get an IUD implanted by a distant relative, he commits a deranged act that has deadly implications for those close to her.” Strange is the doctor who implants the IUD.

A local newspaper covered the filming of the movie and a picture of Strange on the set was in the paper. This kind of clued local law enforcement as to Strange’s whereabouts. He was picked up in a restaurant near the shooting location. I don’t think he was armed with anything but a criminally terrible script at the time of his arrest.