I don’t know about you, but I’m on a strict budget.

The money that comes in seems to be getting smaller compared to the money going out.

I’m no financial wizard, but I think this is called a recession, and it’s causing a depression in my bank account.

Yours, too, I bet.

Especially if you have children.

Little children.

Who need things.

Like food.

And expect things.

Like toys and money for their teeth when they fall out.

Nowadays, the greedy little brats, um, the darling little angels expect about $4.00 per tooth. What? That’s like $28.00 per tooth in dog money!

I remember getting $0.10 for a regular tooth and $0.25 for a molar.

That means:

1. The Tooth Fairy only needed a normal coin belt for her nightly rounds, not a Brinks Security Truck.

2. I’m really old.

3. Something else, but I forgot because I’m really old.

Anyway, today’s parents and grandparents (let’s be realistic) simply can’t afford all these teeth falling out of all these toddlers hoping to spend their cash on the newest generation of something beginning with “i.”

Oh, who am I kidding, the parents/grandparents are going to buy those high-ticket items.

I say it’s time for the Tooth Fairy to retire.

Another fairy needs to take over nocturnal visits to your gap-toothed kiddos. One who is a lot easier on the old wallet.

The time is ripe for the Couth Fairy to make her appearance. And I know where to find her.

She’s been sitting around for a long time, and she’s just aching to get out and speak her fairy mind. She’s not your ordinary fairy. This pixie is posh.

Let’s give her a chance.

This is how she rolls:

1. She finds money barbaric. Instead, she leaves a note with a sweet suggestion on practicing gratitude or politeness folded on a clean surface beside the bed. If no such surface exists, she will place the note in the kitchen with an additional note about cleanliness.

2. She would never touch a bacteria-infested specimen from anyone’s mouth or risk touching hair. The mere thought gives her the vapors. Folded on your countertop will be recommendations for safe and environmentally clean ways to dispose of the enamel-encrusted biohazardous material.

3. As she flits about your home, she will leave notes on any decor or fashions she finds garish or crass. She can’t help herself.

4. All of her notes are on delicate parchment and written in perfectly legible cursive. No post-its. No printing. Heavens, no electronic communiques! Unimaginably uncivilized for a Couth Fairy.

What do you think?

Sure, at first your children/grandchildren might throw hissy-fits when they find suggestions about gratitude rather than the cool cash that their friends who have the uncouth, rich, afraid parents brag about getting for their fallen-out choppers.

But kids tend to have short attention spans.

And there are always medications.

For you, I mean. You have options.

Plus you have ideas for giving your home and wardrobe some culture.

For free!

What’s not to love about that?

Just give me the word and I’ll release the Couth Fairy on your casas (that’s “houses” in Spanish, but it rhymes with, well, you know…).