Remember me?

I’m the dizzy blonde with Seasonal Affect Disorder in reverse.

All this sunshine and warm weather in the supposed gloomy Pacific Northwest is really getting to me.

While my family was here, I had to be outside in this glarifortified sizzlefest for hours on end.

I even got a tan (a.k.a. Tumor Accentuated Nose). ACK! (a.k.a. Absolutely Could Kroak!)

Here are some pictures from my family vacation, just to prove to you I wasn’t just hiding from you for the past 2 weeks.

So I wanted to catch you up on some of the goings ons in Portlandia.

It’s a hotbed of hyperintrigueism around here. Probably because of the weather.

When it gets hot, so do people. And when people get hot, well, look out.

For example, a Portland woman wasn’t satisfied that her divorce ended her marriage. She took the “till death do us part” clause in her vows seriously … apparently. Only Ex-Hubby wasn’t fixing’ to die on his own. She needed to speed things up a bit.

Being a proper, albeit wicked, lady, she did what women do when faced with jobs for which they lack the proper training such as:

*changing a flat tire

*fixing a leaky pipe

*winning at strip poker

*killing an ex-husband

You know, the standard stuff most women seemed ill-prepared for in life. So she hired a professional. A male professional.

She seemed to think of everything. She:

*Paid him a whopping $600 bucks. (What’s the going rate for a hit man in this recession, anyway? Cost of living is cheaper out west, you know. So is the cost of dying … apparently.)

*Plus, she sweetened the pot. Once the deed was done, she offered to give Mr. Kill-‘Em-Quick Ex-Hubby’s 2005 Dodge Stratus, his California residence, and his online cat and dog breeding business (how you breed cats and dogs online is totally beyond me, but, whatever).

What she didn’t think of was:

*The pot probably wasn’t sweet enough.

*Men kind of stick together when it comes to wives wanting to kill one of them  ..apparently.

Mr. Kill-‘Em-Quick reported Wicked Wife to the FBI. She’s in jail and Ex-Hubby is breeding online dogs and cats to his heart’s content. As for Mr. Kill-‘Em-Quick, the article was unclear. I’m thinking he promised to give up his not-so-lucrative hit man gig (being more of a starter and not so much of a finisher) and may have gone into the online pet breeding business.

Breeding online is all about merging picture files … I think. You just have to be sure that you merge a .dog file with a .dog file and a .cat file with a .cat file–at least that’s what I read in this article at the dentist’s office. But we need to get a computer and hook it up to the web. Not sure about all that. You know anything about this web stuff? Yeah, I’m talking’ to you, Mister, and keep those beers coming, too.

In other news…

The next time you get stuck in a traffic jam because of a truck-related accident, remember this incident and, hopefully you won’t resent your situation as much.

Earlier this week, a truck hauling a full load of full portable toilets crashed on Interstate 5, the major highway running along the west coast. Two south-bound lanes were blocked and traffic was constipated for about two hours while over 20 gallons of human toxic waste had to be wiped up. And remember, it’s been inhumanely hot and intensely sunny around here.

Maybe when you’re feeling cranky about your job, you can think about the people on that clean-up crew…

That’s all for now, People.

Aren’t you glad I’m back?