No, no, no. I don't mean that kind of tease.

No, no, no. I don’t mean that kind of tease.

Don’t you just love hate it when supposedly helpful and informative magazines tease you with ads that look like articles?

And doesn’t it make you laugh madder when those tricky marketizing hooliganians lure you with the promise of information you really need but they won’t deliver unless you pay up?

I recently saw one of these ad/articles.

You can't read all the fine print, which is okay. It'll just scare you. Plus, I'm going to tell you about some of it, anyway.

You can’t read all the fine print, which is okay. It’ll just scare you. Plus, I’m going to tell you about some of it, anyway.

This is kind of important info, right? Especially for people who have fewer years ahead of them than behind them. Like me. And maybe you.

Well, don’t panic. You can either buy the answers for $9.99 plus $3.00 shipping and handling for a publication called “What Every Senior Should Know: 1,267 Secrets to Living Well on a Fixed Income.” That’s an odd number of secrets, don’t you think?

Or you could rely on me to help reveal an even number of secrets posed in this Scare-Senior-Citizens-Straight-Into-A-Financial-Stroke ad.

Would I lead you astray?

I have a face you can trust, right?

I thought you’d trust me. When have I ever steered you wrong?

1. Who should you NEVER name as Beneficiary? Duh, yourself.

2. Boost Social Security check with little-known rule. Work until you’re 80. If you’re a pilot, maybe stop flying at 75 and become an air traffic controller until you’re 80.

3. Want to stay in your home for the rest of your life? How to age in place. Requires multiple locks on all doors and windows, a rocking chair, and a loaded shotgun.

4. Lower your thermostat and still stay warm at night. Only works for Seniors living close to the Equator.

5. Easy way to save $8,000 a year. Don’t spend $8,000 a year.

6. When are groceries the cheapest? Learn industry sales cycles. Groceries are the cheapest when they’ve reached their expiration date. If you’re a risk-taker, go for it! As for industry sales cycles, do you really think you need to spend your money on a new bicycle or motorcycle, sale or not? Take the bus; it’s safer.

7. Unless you put this one thing in your medical file, you could spend tens of thousands of dollars needlessly. A DNR (do not resuscitate order).

8. Have a carefree retirement by outsmarting manufacturers, minimizing taxes, and staying independent with money-saving resources. Requires watching every episode of “The Sopranos.”

9. Free legal help if you’re over 60 and income level doesn’t matter. Residence does matter, however. Must be a guest of the federal or state prison system.

10. Secret retirement filled with shows, concerts, sporting events, the ballet, and even meals–without spending a dime. Well, someone is spending much more than a dime, and you now report to a pimp “nightly events planner.”  Must be flexible in more ways than one.

All the highlighted “secrets” came, verbatim, from the ad. All the answers came from me … free of charge. Just remember, you get what you pay for.

I hope this helped you as you plan your retirement.

If you’re still young, it’s never too early to think about your twilight years. Or just share these tips with your parents or grandparents.

I’m sure they will thank you. Or not.