Golly, I think Lorna’s Voice is just about the funnest blog around.
I’d like to think that people to come my blog to get their dose of my unique sense of humor and style.
I’d also like to think that my blog is a wholesome, down-to-earth, safe sanctuary of good, clean fun.
Gosh, darn, it, reality suggests otherwise.
Well, at least the stats on the internet searches that brought viewers to my blog in the last several months suggest otherwise.
I have reviewed the data carefully. Lorna is correct. She is living in a dream world if she believes her blog is innocent and perfectly wholesome.
Here are just of few of the search phrases terms ridicuwords strung together that people out there in Ether Land are actually typing in and somehow finding me.
“full body cast”–They probably are not searching for the cast members of a reality show called “Full Body” even though there’s probably a show out there scheduled for Sweeps Week.
“women in quicksand”–Men, I’m sure there are easier ways to get rid of her body.
“buzz cut women”–Men, see above.
“man fairy”–Who would be searching for a man fairy and when did I ever talk about man fairies? What are man fairies?
“saying I’m sorry in blood”–I’m the first to admit that I have chronic, even terminal, apologitis, but I never used blood to write an “I’m sorry” letter. I prefer a nice #2 pencil.
“dog with gun”–Whoa, Nelly! I agree that all dogs should be licensed, but not for firearms. That’s just wrong.
“fleshy girl”–Hey, I’m glad you’re looking for a woman with a bit of heft, but I’m not her.
“woman lifts man stories”–See above.
“Can donkeys fly?”–You actually typed this question into a search engine?
“manure man”–Kind of sounds like a Super Hero, huh? His power is repelling people.
“blonde with sexy leg”–Just one leg?
“What do you get a dancer?”–The other leg? Music?
“Mother Theresa was a psychopath”–What the fluffernutter? I sense a little transference going on (that’s when you attribute your feelings, beliefs, or screwiness onto someone else, right?).
“sexy woman walking dog”–Well, if my shoe fits…
“sexy blonde college teacher”–Again, guilty as charged.
“old woman with braces”–Now, that’s just mean.
“Lorna’s April porno film”–I never, repeat, never made a porno film in April! I was very busy with other projects in April.
“ex-psychopath sending me telepathic messages”–First, are you concerned or bragging? Second, are you sure about the “ex” part? Third, are your sure about the “telepathic” part? Fourth, how could you possibly think anyone on the Internet could help you?
“old man rubbing his nipples”–This is so situation-dependent, it’s hard for me to know how to respond. Ick? Call 911? Ick and call 911?
“bimbo hot pants”–I have better fashion sense than that. Hot pants went out of vogue in the 1970s. Sheesh!
So, you see, all kinds of creepy-web-crawlers are finding my innocent, silly little blog.
I’m beginning to think that I’m getting a sullied reputation in the blog-o-sphere.
I’m just a little angel trying not to get into too much mischief.
What do you think? Am I getting into too much mischief?
Lorna's Voice 
Nov 21, 2014 @ 15:09:20
Ah, the mysteries of search engines and the people who actually type in these phrases!
Nov 21, 2014 @ 15:04:39
Oh, be brave!
Nov 21, 2014 @ 15:00:11
I didn’t think about it that way. Better to find the answer on my innocent blog than to find it on a site dealing with 1,000 creative way to kill your wife!
Nov 21, 2014 @ 14:52:59
Well, there are great surprises awaiting you! 🙂
Nov 21, 2014 @ 11:13:20
I have been so busy opps lazy, I have yet to figure out, how to unlock the potential benefits of search words.
Nov 20, 2014 @ 23:20:19
Wow, that is quite a list of search terms. ‘Women in quicksand’ – hopefully the person who was doing that search found an answer in your blog, and quickly!
Nov 19, 2014 @ 23:29:45
I don’t think I want to look at mine.
Nov 19, 2014 @ 19:08:09
LOL. This is hilarious. I don’t understand why my search terms rarely show up anymore. When the search engine shows up on my stats, it usually says “unknown search terms.”
What the heck are you using for tags? Ha, ha. The old man nipples one … “ick” doesn’t begin to describe my disgust.
When the search terms used to pop up, I used to frequently get “big fat white butt.” I knew the reason for that one. I actually put a picture up that looked like a big fat white butt, but it wasn’t, and I had to make that clear. People still tend to find that post a lot, cause I see it was clicked on. In case your curious, here ya go.
Nov 19, 2014 @ 18:40:20
Thanks, but I can’t help what people type into their search engines!
Nov 19, 2014 @ 16:28:34
Thanks, Lorna.
Nov 19, 2014 @ 15:59:13
Hilarious!
Nov 19, 2014 @ 15:43:41
Apple tree, eh? Interesting.
Nov 19, 2014 @ 15:43:06
Aw, thanks!
Nov 19, 2014 @ 15:42:05
Are you serious? The way to build more traffic to you blog is through search terms? I’m in HUGE trouble!
And thanks for following me for the same reason I follow you. 🙂
Nov 19, 2014 @ 15:31:01
LOL … that’s a good one!
Nov 19, 2014 @ 15:30:30
Yeah, what else is there to say?!
Nov 19, 2014 @ 15:29:06
Thanks. I guess I have a knack for attracting weirdos. No. Wait. That didn’t come out right. 😉
Nov 19, 2014 @ 15:25:56
They are on your Stats page, if you dare look… 😉
Nov 19, 2014 @ 14:48:14
I don’t know how to find those search items–the whole idea is quite scary. And funny!
Nov 19, 2014 @ 09:17:24
I simply don’t get many weird ones … then again, I don’t always check. Love the list … but your comments are better!
Nov 18, 2014 @ 21:48:55
🙂 ❤
Nov 18, 2014 @ 13:51:50
“I’d like to think that people to come my blog to get their dose of my unique sense of humor and style.” — you’d be wrong then, Lorna. I do it out of habit and duty. And just because 😉
Seriously though, you have all those search terms? Nobody finds my blog through search terms. They never have — I have clicked on the explanation to build more traffic that way, but never really bothered trying to do it. And they want me to use Facebook (I don’t) and LinkedIn (yes, it would be great if all my LinkedIn contacts (AKA my clients!) knew I write a humor blog where I tout myself as a fake medical expert. Yup. That would be a good career move …
I read and follow your blog because I like you and it, silly.
Nov 18, 2014 @ 10:05:45
You always make me smile Lorna. 🙂
Nov 18, 2014 @ 10:02:37
It’s a strange world. I get 8 or more views a day looking for “apple tree.” I love your sense of humour! 🙂
Nov 18, 2014 @ 08:12:34
Yes, I remember them–they had very odd colored hair, too, right? 🙂
Nov 18, 2014 @ 08:11:40
I left out the more disgusting ones. I just can’t believe people are searching for these terms! It’s a sick world out there. So glad I’m not into internet dating! 😐
Nov 18, 2014 @ 04:23:31
Why oh why…. I love looking at the search entries and try my best to understand how those words brought people to certain posts… I’ve had “prick biting bird,” arrive at a rhino post with a tick bird on its back…. how did Google get that one sorted?.. I have some of the biggest laughs at that lot… nearly as big a laugh as I have at your posts. ..
Nov 18, 2014 @ 04:02:48
Never too much as long as you share it,, now watch for trolls.. they used to be little plastic ugly dolls,, were they not? Smiling all the way… all the way to where, I dont really know havent got there YET!