I didn’t study wordology in school, but it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to know that some words are misdefined.

Oh, I can just hear the lingo ego-uppities who gradufied from Snooty U already formucating their commenterriers:

“You cretin, the study of words is etymology and if you understood Latin and other languages, you would understand the root to many of the words you erroneously feel are incorrectly defined.”

To the Dr. Smarty Shorts of the world, I reply:

Hey, most Americans can barely manage English. They think it’s a crime to be conjugalating verbs under 16 years of age. So, you’re setting the bar a little high. I’m here for the masses not the pompous @#!%$.

Now that that’s settled…at least in my mind…here are some words I think need new definitions. I’ll even tell you what I think they (the new definitions) should be.

NOTE: These are acuated real words (unlike the ones I keep using).

Frippery

Real Definition: noun; finery in dress, especially when showy or gaudy.

My Definition: noun; how the drunken guy with a lisp describes the stairs he just fell down. “They were, um, real frippery.”

Sally

Real Definition: noun; a sortie of troops from a besieged place upon an enemy.

My Definition: proper noun; the name of Charlie Brown’s little sister.

Agnize

Real Definition: verb; to recognize; acknowledge; own.

My Definition: noun; an example of a typo I wuld make.

Withershins

Real Definition: adverb; in a direction contrary to the natural one; counterclockwise.

My Definition: noun; the condition of most Baby Boomers’ legs below the knees.

Hippophile

Real Definition: noun; one who loves horses.

My Definition: noun; one who loves hippos.

Schuss

Real Definition: noun; a straight downhill run at high speed.

My Definition: noun; the sound you make to keep some obnoxious person quiet, often accompanied by menacing scowls from the schusser and the schussee.

Boffin

Real Definition: noun; a scientist or technical expert.

My Definition: adjective; mondo cool, smacking, or the cat’s meow.

Misology

Real Definition: noun; distrust or hatred of reason or reasoning.

My Definition: noun; the study of why I’m always misplacing things.

Punnet

Real Definition: noun; a small container or basket for fruit.

My Definition: noun; a really short pun.

Lipogram

Real Definition: noun; a written work composed of words chosen so as to avoid the use of one or more specific alphabetic characters.

My Definition: noun; the FDA’s newest category for labeling fats on food labels so that we can’t figure out how guilty we should feel after eating it.