Disclaimer: I am not an expert in advertising, unless you count the time when the top button on my blouse somehow came undone. I’ll admit, it was an effective campaign, but not one that was either unprecedented in professional affairs attire or intentional. I think to be a geniusoid in the ad business, originality and conscious thought are important skills.

End of Disclaimer.

The other day I received a catalog in the mail. This is not, in and of itself, noteworthy. I’ve been inundated with email and regular mail offers from all kinds of stores since we reached the “Official Holiday Season,” which began on or about September 1.

But this one catalog caught my eye. It was for high-end cutlery (knives and other sharp stuff for those not familiar with hoity-toity culinary terminology–cooking lingo).

Again, no big deal.

It was the message on the front of this brochure that struck me as odd. Above a shiny, sharp, holy-craperooney-sized machete  butcher’s knife, was the message: Memories begin here.

I'm not making this stuff up.

I’m not making this stuff up.

Maybe it’s me.

Maybe most people would smile and think, “Call the rug rats, Eugene. We’s havin’ Roadkill Stew made with our fancy new catalog knife.” (Something about a big badonkadonk cleaver staring at me in the face made me channel a character from Motel Hell.)

But you know me by now. I’m not “most people.”

I looked at this catalog and said, “Hmmm. Memories begin with knives?”

“Ah, yes, how could I forget the first time I chopped my thumb off. That’s a memory that’s hard to forget. I remember every time someone gives me two ‘thumbs up.’ I can’t return the enthusiastic endorsement. And one ‘thumbs up’ twice just isn’t the same. It’s like you’re giving directions not feedback. Try it. You’ll see.”

“Or, what about the time I used my knife to defend myself when that guy was breaking into my house. Or maybe he was just lost. We’ll never know, will we? Wow! I never knew blood could splatter that much. Getting rid of the body was quite a chore. I used, like, a whole box of Hefty garbage bags. But my knife cleaned up just great and was just as sharp as the day I bought it. I’ll never forget that night, that’s for sure!”

I understand that knives cut up food and food is important to people. But … Really? Memories begin with knives? Who was on the marketing team that came up with that one? And who was the supervisor who thought it was a great idea and said, “Sure! Let’s run with it!”

Is it just me? Did any of you get the same catalog and not think anything of it? Should I get someone to go through my mail for me to prevent future posts like this?

Or is this one of the more epicraziarian ad campaigns you’ve seen in a while?