Everyone’s talking about hair. There’s even a musical where they sing and celebrate hair.

That’s right, hair!

That’s right, everyone.

Okay, maybe not everyone. But Oprah sure is and she’s huge a huge demographic.

And so is the AARP. They have an even bigger profile. This group is exclusive (you have to be 50+ to join) and growing (it’s hard to keep those pounds off as the biological clock keeps ticking, you know). The number of members keeps increasing, too. Right now, if you wanted to have a party for all AARP members, you’d have to rent, say, Kansas.

1. It’s big enough to hold the almost 40,000,000 AARP members.

2. It’s flat, so the older members don’t have to worry about rolling down hills.

3. Not many young whipper-snappers live there, so an invasion of aging hipsters won’t be that much of an inconvenience. It would be totally like Woodstock, only not.

Back to the AARP and hair. Yup. Hair is important to the 50+ set. The bald-and-better-than-celibate look is tough to master. So most of us (and by “most of us” the AARP article means “older women who don’t want to die alone”) have to pay attention to our hair.

Thank goodness the AARP was kind enough to point out SEVEN hairiffic things we women do to our tresses that make us look tragically and unnecessarily older than we tragically already are.

If you are a woman over 50, for pity’s sake, bookmark this post. Print it and carry it with you. It could save your life, or better yet, your sex life.

If you are a woman under 50, I hate you. No, I don’t. I’m Buddhist. I accept your lack of maturational advancement. Save this for when you reach the magic five-oh-my-shizzle. You’ll know you’ve joined our 50+ Sisterhood when your back continually aches and the words “vaginal” and “lubrication” mean something important when used together in a sentence.

If you are a man of any age, read and learn.

Back to hair. I keep getting off track. This is one of the advantages of 50+ Wise Sisterhoodism. One takes many unexpected journeys.

These are the 7 Hair-Do “Don’ts” (unless you’re trying to look old and wretchified). Millicent has generously agreed to illustrate how doing these “Don’ts” will give most mature women horroriods.

1. Blunt Bangs Blunderation. Bangs should come out of guns, not your forehead. If they do, they should be soft and feathery, but bulky. Nothing about a mature woman should add bulk. She has enough of that already if she has a typical husband with a typical midsection expanding faster than the national debt.

2. Frenzied Frizzifying. Having a little body in your hair is great, especially if you have a lot of body in your body–it kind of balances things out. But when curls and waves become a nest for large migratory birds, you’ve gone too far. Now you’re drawing attention to yourself, which may involve the National Park Service. That’s never good.

3. Superfluous Stylization. If your hair is overly boofed, you’ll look like a housewife in a 1950s ad. When people look at you, you want them to remember that you are living in the 21st century.

4. Flat-iron Floppernation. There is nothing wrong with straightening your hair, especially when it’s gotten out of line. But when people look at you, they shouldn’t wonder how your ironing board could have possibly supported you while you ironed your hair with your Rowenta Pro Precision Steam Iron.

5. Decidedly Dyed Darkification. If you are seeing gray hair or want to darken your hair because you think it will make you look more sinister sultry, then make sure the color has some dimension to it. Otherwise, you’ll walk around looking as if a black rug fell on your head and you’re the only one who hasn’t noticed.

6. Bleach Blondification. What I just said…in reverse (not as in “reading backward” but what goes for black rugs, goes for yellow rugs).

7. Girlymorphicizing. Embrace your age, Women! Braids, ponytails, butterfly barrettes, Princess Leia side buns–these are for 40-year-olders, not 50-plusers. If you didn’t wear your hair like that when you were younger, you missed your chance, Sweetie.

NOTE: This is the list presented by the link to a beauty site I found in the AARP blog. I changed the titles of the items on the list and described them differently. For the real article, click here.

There you have it. If you (older women) want to look as young as is humanly possible without the miracle of major money, be smart with your hair. Not too curly, not too straight, not too dark, not too light, not too styled, not too youthful, and beware of the bangs.

I know what you’re thinking: I could have boiled this whole post into 51 words (the last paragraph). Well, you don’t come here for pithy, do you?