The origins of the universe? How droll. I'm still waiting on news about whether the missing link is still missing. Now that's news most people can at least understand.

The origins of the universe? How droll. I’m still waiting on news about whether the missing link is still missing. Now that’s news most people can at least understand.

In a rare moment of … of … Oh I can’t explain it. I was reading the newspaper. I really try not to do that kind of thing. And this is why.

I saw the following headline, “Scientists help unravel secret of universe’s existence.” Kind of eye-catching, huh?

Continue. You've got my attention at least until something better comes along.

Continue. You’ve got my attention at least until something better comes along.

I figured since this article was in our local newspaper that a person of normal intelligence could read and, probably more importantly, understand the big secret about who or what birthed the universe.

I was in luck because I am a person of above normal intelligence, although science was never my best subject in school. This is how a smart girl gets through science class:

1. make friends with the geeky science genius who is stunned, but more than happy to be your lab and study partner

Okay, so we only wore the matching tee shirts during labs. It made him happy and I got good grades...

Okay, so we only wore the matching tee shirts during labs. It made him happy and I got good grades…

2, volunteer to help the science teacher before, during and after class (teachers’ pets are often thrown a bone or can talk their way into “extra credit” assignments that geeky science genius will help with)

I figured I must have absorbed some scientific intelligence just by spending so much time with science teachers and geeky geniuses. I think the process is calls osmosis. Impressed? I am.

So I felt confident that I could read this article and discuss it with the 2 other people I may someday encounter who also read and understood it. We would have a humdinger of a conversation. People around us would be awestruck and confused at the same time. I love it when that happens.

As I began reading, my hallucinations dreams of being a brilliant Scientologist science-savvy blonde withered away.

I was understood everything perfectly until I started reading the darned article.

I was understood everything perfectly until I started reading the darned article.

I was okay with the first sentence, which basically summarized the title of the article, but then stuck in the words “physicists” and “particle.” I began doing that pouty thing with my lips that can look sexy in the proper setting, but usually looks as if I’m having trouble finding my car.

Yeah. That's the look.

Yeah. That’s the look.

The second sentence was just unfair. I think they were making up words to see if readers were paying attention. And I quote, “…for the first time, a muon neutrino was seen transformed into and electron neutrino–something never witnessed before.” I’m sure it hasn’t been. Why? Because someone just made up the word “muon” and it isn’t even that great for a made up word. May I suggest mutalon? glomatron? amutoid?

Then the article blathered on about how neutrinos have counterparts called anti-neutrinos, which is just plain copying what science fiction writers made up years ago, when they mentioned matter and anti-matter in their plots.

Apparently these good and evil twins can and do behave differently, causing life and death and really big explosions.

The Big Bang Theory, Star Trek, and Dan Brown’s “Angels and Demons” were all mentioned in the article. No kidding. They all used anti-matter to power their plots or star ships or what have you. I understood that part.

I'm tellin' ya, Cap'tain. Dilithiam crystals are just anti-matter. We had ta call 'em somethin' fancy soundin' fer the audience ta make it sound like we're travelin' on a real make believe star ship.

I’m tellin’ ya, Cap’ain. Dilithiam Crystals are just anti-matter. We had ta call ’em somethin’ fancy soundin’ fer the audience–ta make it sound like we’re travelin’ on a real make believe star ship. Folks would never believe the ole girl is run on anti-matter. It sounds like she runs on nothin’! There’s somethin’ the matter with that, Sir. I know, it’s confusin’. Just find a blonde alien and leave the engines ta me.

Then, right after the Star Trek part that I understood, the article had to go and confuse me again. It stated, “In the T2K experiment, scientists created muon neutrinos with a particle accelerator at a facility on the east coast of Japan and shot a beam of them through the ground.”

You would think there would be a law against muon neutrino beam shooting. But I suppose anything goes in Japan.

And I suppose they plan to pump extra neutrinos into the atmosphere the old fashioned way?

These women don’t look happy. They look anti-happy. Could they be victims of a drive by muon neutrino shooting? 

The article goes on, “Three hundred kilometers at the other side of the country, the neutrinos were observed in a massive detector called the Super-Kamiokande.”

And they expect me to believe that? Some scientist shoots mythical invisible things through the ground and gets readings from supposedly the same invisible things on an instrument that sounds like it’s the next big sensation in every bar for anyone who loves to sing, but can’t. Yeah, right.

I think the Mythbusters need to weigh in on this one.

I think the Mythbusters need to weigh in on this one.

So, I asked myself, how does all these shooting particles and shape-shifting neutrinos help solve the mystery of how the universe got to be the universe?

The lead scientist on this project is quoted in the final part of the article. So I’m thinking he has the answer to where the universe came from.

Silly me.

“There are a family of particles, and by studying one you can sort of infer some of the properties of the others in the family,” he said. “And it’s actually other members of the family that we believe are responsible for this imbalance in the universe.” Wha-ha-ha-t? Families of particles? And some of the family members are imbalanced?

Maybe we need Dr. Phil for an in-your-face particle reality check.

Maybe we need Dr. Phil for an in-your-face particle reality check.

I was, as you can probably tell, a smidge disappointed. How did the universe begin? Heck if I know. Does it matter? Does it anti-matter?

I know one thing from reading this article that I didn’t know before: the Japanese have a Super-Kamiokande and I want to know if my voice sounds Super-Better when I sing into it.

I want me one of these!

I want me one of these!