Could you please turn the volume down on all that life going on out there?

Could you please turn the volume down on all that life going on out there?

As a highly sensitive person, I shield myself from unnecessary stress, like obnoxious people, loud noises (especially from guns), and the news.

It’s for my health.

I got rid of cable so I wouldn’t be tempted to watch obnoxious people, loud gun noises, and the news, which all seem to go together these days. Now I watch mainly Netflix programs and movies, which got rid of the commercials and the news, but there’s a lot of disturbing programming out there. I should know. I keep watching it.

I mean, look at this scene of carnage. Will Hollywood ever get a conscience?

I mean, look at this scene of carnage. Will Hollywood ever get a conscience?

Phil, being a sensitive, but not highly sensitive, guy, likes his news. So we get the local newspaper. If I look at it, I scan only three areas:

1. The Obituaries, because people my age are starting to drop like me on ice skates. I need to know if I might be next. Information is power, but only in the right hands. In the wrong hands, information is news.

2. The Horoscopes, but I don’t know why. I keep getting advice about how I need to watch out for snarky people at work, but I’m retired. It’s frustrating. But it makes me glad I’m retired.

3. The Front Page, because there are some really funny (and by “funny” I mean “bad”) editorial decisions involving headlines and photographs. I want to share the most recent batch I’ve collected. If you want to see some from the past, click here and here. They really are pretty funny.

Two things caught my attention here: that getting a chicken wing joint made the big headline and the picture of the two women looking like, maybe, they had too many chicken wings.

Two things caught my attention here: that getting a chicken wing joint in our town made the daily headline and the picture of the two women looking like what happens when you have  too many chicken wings.

We all know the wheels of justice turn slowly. now you know why. We have one old man on the job looking for the hooligan who robbed our Stewarts store. And all he is brandishing is a "Stop" sign.

We all know the wheels of justice turn slowly. Now you know why. We have one old man on the job looking for the hooligan who robbed our Stewarts store. And all he is brandishing is a “Stop” sign.

Speaking of slowly...

Speaking of slowly…Well, have you ever been run over by a couple of ginormous horses and a rusty plow? Speed would be a factor. The slower, the more painful and fatally humiliating.

Chaos

When students around here protest, they do it with style. No dull picket signs for them. It’s coconut boobs and grass skirts that will get the attention of the Board of Education!

Is it me, or are young people just looking younger these days? I mean, these recruits look like they have enough enthusiasm to be good law enforcement officers, but I think they might be taken about as seriously as Barnie Fife.

Is it me, or are young people just looking younger these days? I mean, these recruits look like they have enough enthusiasm to be good law enforcement officers, but I think they might be taken about as seriously as Barnie Fife. And where are they going to holster their weapon?

I'm not sure if "turning the other cheek" is the smartest move here. What would Jesus do? And Shouldn't clergy be wearing their collars in public, even in their rockum-sockum social engagements?

A Catholic priest and Protestant minister walk into a boxing ring…

NOTE: I didn’t alter any of these newspaper pages, except to blot out any identifying names of people or places.

If you liked these as much as did, you can rest assured that I’m scanning my local newspaper every day for more funny (a.k.a. bad) editorial decisions. My motto: we can learn as much (or more) from our mistakes as we can from the stuff we get right. Plus, the stuff we mess up is funnier. And in my book, funny is good. Really good.

What makes you laugh like this?

What makes you laugh like this?