You just never know how people surf the net these days...

You just never know how people surf the net these days…

It’s been a long time since I’ve perused the Internet search terms that bring often unsuspecting web surfers to my little blog.

Heck fire, the last time I looked was way back before I got distracted with becoming a published author. Click on this link if you want to see what I posted before (and by “before,” I mean when I was just a silly blogger versus now when I’m a silly blogger who published a book revealing all my personal secrets, which makes me either really courageous or really stupid).

I’ve had to pay attention to statistics other than those found on the WP Stats page, like number of reviews, number of stars on reviews, number of refills I have left on my anti-anxiety meds…stuff like that.

But, for a diversion, I thought I’d look at my WP stat page. I found some very interesting data. Pardon me. That’s how we former sociological researchers talk. I found some interesting whatchadingies. That’s more like, huh?

Before the invention of surveys, this is how social scientists collected data and drew their conclusions. This was also where the term "margin of error" comes from.

Before the invention of surveys, this is how social scientists collected data and drew their conclusions. This is also where the term “margin of error” comes from.

Lorna’s Voice isn’t quite 3 years old. I guess that accounts for the general childish nature of its content. I’m just shy of 400 posts and 400 regular followers. Maybe by the end of the week I’ll break the 400 mark on both. Or not. I’ve gotten almost 10,750 comments–not one of them snarky or telling me I should shut up, which would kind of be the same thing as snarky in my book. And I’ve had almost 72,000 hits or views.

But did all of those people really mean to come to visit me and my incredible, witty, funny, I-can’t-believe-this-fandabidoozle-stuff-is-free blog? I wonder…

So I looked just at this year and the top 10 search terms that brought people to my blog. ALL of the terms were listed multiple times, so none of them are flukes. These people really typed these phrases in and my blog came up.

“You can’t handle the truth.”

(32 times since January 1, 2013)

I’m confused. Are the search engines assuming that I can’t handle the truth? Well, then, I’m impressed. I can’t. How do they know I’m a Highly Sensitive Person and that the truth usually sucks. I mean, have you noticed how many people want to tell you the “honest truth” and how you just don’t want to hear it? And you’re probably not half as sensitive as I am.

“I’m afraid of Facebook”

(32 times)

Ha! I knew I couldn’t be the only person in the world afraid of this virus-like thing that takes over people’s lives and attention spans. A long time ago (in blog years) I wrote a post about my feelings about Facebook. It was a well-researched piece for someone who knew nothing about Facebook. Since then, I created my own FB account (see, I’m even using the hip lingo of FB insiders) just to market my book. I can say for sure that I continue to be afraid of FB and I don’t understand how it works. I’m about ready to hire a 7-year-old to tutor me.

I'm sure she can help me.

I’m sure she can help me.

“Sentence Structure”

(29 times)

I wish Miss Brothers, my old English teacher in grade school, was alive to see this one. Have I become a go-to site for people wishing to learn about sentence structure? Wait. Maybe they’re coming to my site to learn how NOT to structure their sentences in such awkward, convoluted, complex ways so as to confuse their readers thus making sentence diagramming a virtual impossibility. No. That’s highly unlikely. I’m like the new Grammar Girl, only for sentences.

Someone has soiled the air

(20 times)

Now I wish my grandfather, Pepe, was alive. He would be so proud of me. That man loved a fart joke. And it didn’t even have to be a good one. He loved a good fart, too. I mean, who doesn’t? I guess I know why my blog pops to the top the heap when someone does a search on flatulence.

Metal teeth

(18 times)

I don’t recall discussing my dental fillings, but those scary know-it-all search engines seemed to have done it again. I do have a mouthful of metal. Before you get all Indiana Jones on me and want to mine my teeth for precious metals, I think the only valuable metal in my head is the titanium plate covering the hole in my head from my brain surgery.

Kentucky Derby topless

(17 times)

Leave it to Internet pervs to take the distinguished tradition of the “Run for the Roses” and make it seem tawdry. Are these lowlife’s looking for pictures of jockeys without helmets? Shameful!

Women in quicksand

(15 times)

I suspect these internet searchers are looking for an innovative and foolproof way of getting rid of their spouses or girlfriends. Well, they’re not using my blog to do it! And just watch any jungle or creepy movie, Dummies. The women get rescued. It’s the men who always sink. Duh!

See? I told you.

See? I told you.

3 Mafia men

(14 times)

Huh? Is this search related to the quicksand search? I’d like to see 3 Wise Guys up against Tree Man. His Bark is probably just as good as his bite. (Sorry, couldn’t resist!)

Jewish American Princess

(10 times)

Busted! I’m one-quarter Jewish and I’m a total princess. The Jewish story is a long one. Actually I’m writing about it in my new book.

The tiara helps keep my hair in place on windy days. And when cameras are around.

The tiara helps keep my hair in place on windy days. And when cameras are around.

Sexy Magician

(10 times)

Totally busted! Another long story. But I’m not writing about this one. You’ll have to ask Phil. He says I can make turn him into … well, you get the idea. But how did these search engines know? Hmmm.

I learned this technique at a Buddhist retreat. If that's not magic, what is?

I learned this technique at a Buddhist retreat. If that’s not magic, what is?

Any crazy surfing going on over at your place?

Any crazy surfing going on over at your place?