Lorna's Voice

Hey, no one said the promotion biz would be fun. Or dignified.

Hi Dee Ho! Lorna’s Agent here.

It’s about time I did something on her behalf, even though I’m getting paid in “Thanks Yous,” which are currently valued less than a Vietnamese dong. Don’t laugh. It’s an actual, if not virtually worthless, form of currency. Check it out.  See? I told you. If you can’t believe a make-believe agent, who can you believe?

No, no, no! I don’t mean that kind of agent. Although the gun and the hat make her look more convincing. Maybe I should get one of each. But how many dongs would they cost?

Let’s review some facts:

–Lorna is an unassuming, but pretty entertaining and lovable, person.

–Her unassumingness makes her reticent (that means reluctant) to brag about her accomplishments.

–Her entertainingness and lovableness make her have lots of accomplishments about which to brag.

That’s why she need me, her agent, Bernadette. Don’t laugh. It’s a swarthy name. And memorable, too. How many Bernadetttes do you know, and how many would you be brave enough to ignore? Okay. That’s settled.

Yup. That’s me. Bernadette. I take my job and my Slurpees seriously.

Without further ado, I’ll get to business of bragging on my major (and by “major” I mean “only”) client, whose memoir is getting a lot (and by “a lot” I mean “a whole lot”) of 5-star hot-shizzle attention. (Unlike Lorna, I don’t know a bunch of fancy words, but that’s what a few Vietnamese dongs will buy you.)

1. On April 1, “How Was I Supposed to Know?” was reviewed by Ann Tracy (English professor and author), and published both online and in her local newspaper. Click here for the review, which was, by the way, very, like, whoa, wow. This woman knows literature and Lorna’s memoir qualifies as literature…literally.

2. On April 4, Lorna spoke to an Honors Class at the local state university. They were assigned her book to read for the class on childhood trauma and authenticity. From that you can tell that the book is filled with Lorna’s childhood traumas and that she’s the authority on that kind of stuff. I guess that’s what you can tell from it. The students were excited to meet a “real author.” Lorna thought it was pretty cool to meet a “real author,” too. Especially since it was her. Total win-win.

This is so strange. I know everyone is supposed to have a double, but one that has the same awesome-sauce fashion sense?

3. On the morning of April 12, Lorna received an email from renowned book reviewer and author, Fran Lewis, who had read her book and said she was posting an almost 1,900 word review on just about every place on the Interwebz. You can read the full review on Fran’s blog, but here is just a snippet: “How Was I Supposed to Know: Well Lorna: You are no longer lost. You are no longer alone. You found yourself and what I do know is that perfection is in the eye of the beholder and we are all perfect in some way shape or form. But, what I do know is that in writing this outstanding honest account of your life’s ups and downs you definitely achieved a FIVE GOLDEN STAR PERFECT MEMOIR REVIEW. YOU ARE TOTALLY VISIBLE! Just look at the great picture on page 396: it says it all!” Pretty spiffylicious, huh?

4. On the evening of April 12, Lorna had her first public event related to the book. She has been in public before, just so you know, it just that this time, it was to talk about her book and do a book signing. You can read about her fantabulous experience over at Legends Undying. There she describes a surreal experience she had during the event. Sounds creepy but it totally wasn’t.

5. An English professor who teaches “The Art of the Memoir” attended Lorna’s event and invited her to speak to her class. She was that impressed. I’m talking about the English professor, but Lorna was pretty impressed, too.

Either of them look like this. Their hair isn’t that disheveled and they don’t slouch.

6. On April 13, which would be the next day, Lorna got an email from an old colleague where she used to teach sociology. Well, he’s a former colleague, but he’s older than he used to be. She was invited to speak to the college community about her book, not sociology. That’s happening on May 1. Off the hizzle slick, Mister!

7. Today (April 15), Lorna saw that a blogger buddy, Sold Gold Creativity, posted a slam-jammin’ review of her book. Pop over there to read the whole rockin’ review, but here’s just a few verses: “An accomplished academic writer, Lee’s ease and authority on the printed page transfers readily to the world of non-fiction. Her voice – comic, poignant, interrogative – handles the often-challenging material with a rare assurance. And she pulls no punches. … Lee has discovered the secret of all the best memoirists: make it as local as possible and it becomes universal.” Cramazing, right?

8. Oh, and the only little book store in town ordered a bunch more copies of her book. Score!

Oh yeah, I can feel it. Can you?

Whew! I think I’ve earned my Vietnamese dongs today, don’t you? And all this while Lorna is lounging around, meditating, working on her next book, doing laundry, or doing whatever “real authors” do. How should I know, I’m just The Agent?

Gotta go! I’m off to find another client who can pay me in something more than Thank Yous, which I don’t seem to get a lot of for some reason.