Okay. Enough about me.

Okay. Enough about me during my “fleshy” period.

You don’t need me to tell you that Americans are aren’t getting any thinner or healthier.

The government is using our tax dollars to put out reports that we don’t want to read proving that America is the land of the free, the home of the brave, and the country most likely to sink into the ocean because of the increasing weight of the decreasing population. (I’m not sure about the sinking part, but here’s the proof that we are getting fatter as a nation.)

But I’m here to tell you what the government isn’t telling you. Yup. The government keeps things from us. Just watch MI5, which I have been watching way too much of lately.

There is an obesity problem among a population that is virtually (and by “virtually” I mean “totally”) ignored by fat researchers (and by “fat researchers” I mean scientists who study obesity, although some of them could tip the scales in the Whoa Nelly! range because, guess what, they are American, too).

This obesity problem is limited to northern climates, and at that, only in the coldest months.

So you can probably guess why researchers have ignored this population. They are white-lab-coated wimps. Well, except the ones who go to Antarctica. Those researchers are just bonkers.

Brace yourselves. This is breaking news, People. Remember that you heard it here first, so if you hear it anywhere else, some lazy reporter is plagiarizer my hard-hitting investigative reporting. Gee I hate when that happens.

Yes, I know, Chief. Chaos got the jump on this story while I was trying to phone it. The chords got tangled. Gee, I hate when that happens.

Yes, I know, Chief. C.H.A.O.S. got the jump on this story while I was trying to phone it in. I got  tangled on the chords. Gee, I hate when that happens.

Snowmen (and snow women) are the newest victims of the obesity epidemic. Don’t believe me? Just look at the picture I just took yesterday.

This must be a snow woman. Women tend to carry their extra pounds around their hip and buttock areas. Poor dear. She can hardly move...

This must be a snow woman. Women tend to carry their extra pounds around their hip and buttock areas. Poor dear. She can’t even move…

Remember when we were kids? Snowmen (and the rare snow woman–it was a really sexist world back then) were smaller, more svelte. But today, no one is immune from the lure of our culture of excess.

On the positive side, curing the obesity problem of snow people is more simple than it is among the general population. The pounds seem to melt off in time for bathing suit season. But at what cost? These adorable but large snow people lose themselves in the process. And they face they same Yo-Yo pattern of weight gain next winter.

When I saw this pathetic snow woman stuck in her yard, unable to move, I was moved, People. I was moved to alert you to this problem that has been ignored for far too long and will disappear from sight (in a few weeks) unless we rally our hearts and our resources to STOP THE MADNESS.

We may not be able to resist those drive-thru fast food meccas, so we are on the road to the ER no matter what. But, please, help save the snow people before you collapse of your own junk-food-related illness. It’s simple. Make them smaller. Make three normal-sized ones instead of one grossly obese one. You can do it. Future snow people are depending on you.

Either that, or help melt them by building a fire. It’s not at all like witch burning. Well, maybe a little. You don’t have to watch. But if you do, try to resist the urge to make S’mores. You’re only contributing to the obesity problem.