I’m as interested as you are in disregarding expert advice on health and wellness. I mean, what do complete strangers know about my body that I don’t already know and ignore?

Sure, they’re more qualified than me in certain ways:

  1. They have fancy scientific or medical degrees and know how to light a Bunsen burner without setting their eyebrows on fire.
  2. They know how to get published … in obscure medical journals, but still, published is published.
  3. They go to boisterous science conferences to get the attention of journalist interns yearning for their big break by writing riveting exposes about the newest developments in the fight to end halitosis (bad breath) or the race to create remote-controlled cockroaches (as real as bad breath, people, check it out), so their work gets noticed.
  4. They take themselves seriously.
  5. They wear lab coats, which makes them look like they are experts. I need to get a lab coat.

As you know, we Americans aren’t the healthiest bunch of humans on the planet. I’m a great example. I have lots of health “issues” even though I eat healthy foods (and very little of them) and get regular exercise that doesn’t always land me in the emergency room.

One of my “issues” is migraine headaches. I always called them migraine headaches, but my neurologist and all the commercials refer to the condition as “Migraine,” as in “If you suffer from Migraine, then I can understand why you are in favor of euthanasia.”

I take medicine every day to help prevent “Migraine” and I have other medication for when the preventative crap doesn’t work. Not wanting to be a limping pharmacy, I’m always on the lookout for natural solutions to “Migraine.” One of the healthy lifestyle magazines I subscribe to published an article about the connection between foods and “Migraine,” a concept I know a lot about. But I decided to read it anyway because my Kindle Fire wasn’t finished recharging.

My feelings are mixed about having read the article. I learned something new, which is good. What I learned, however, was disturbing to me given my already restrictive diet.

You may already know this, but it bears repeating because I really hate to suffer in silence. Here are the foods I’ve already eliminated from my diet to reduce inflammation in my body, thus helping my immune system, and to remain forever young and beautiful:

  1. meat (or as call it, “flesh”)
  2. gluten
  3. eggs
  4. dairy
  5. sugar or sugar substitutes
  6. anything that is white and processed (I’m not being racist or anti-immigration, just health conscious)
  7. caffeine
  8. decaffeine
  9. alcohol (drinking or rubbing)

This article, written by Neal Barnard, M.D.,  informed me that these foods are also “Migraine” triggers and should be eliminated for at least 2 weeks. One can be introduced every 2 days. If symptoms return, that food is a misery trigger. Makes sense? Here are the foods:

  1. meats
  2. dairy
  3. eggs
  4. chocolate
  5. citrus fruit
  6. wheat
  7. nuts
  8. tomatoes
  9. potatoes
  10. sweet potatoes
  11. soy products
  12. onions
  13. corn
  14. apples
  15. bananas
  16. coffee
  17. alcoholic beverages

After crossing off the stuff I don’t eat anyway, he just named my diet. Sure, I eat carrots, lettuce, lentils, and brown rice; but give me a break. Two weeks without all those other foods?

I bet my “Migraine” condition will go away. You know why? I have a “Do Not Resuscitate” order filed with my doctor and hospital. I won’t even be given life support when I pass out.

So, my friends, it’s feed a cold, starve a “Migraine” and, for the flu, just take the darned shot in the arm.