You should see some of the questions I get. They shock the pants, etc. right off me!

Welcome to the 4th installment of this series based on the many insane…bizarre…ridiculous amusing Internet Search Terms that bring freaks…losers…freaking psychopaths people eerily resembling your neighbors to my blog. The Divine Ms. L addresses more questions to which Internet Searchers crave answers even if she doesn’t know why these questions landed in her lap.

If you missed the other installments, click here and here and here.  You never want to miss an installment on this blog, or on your mortgage for that matter. (Just some bonus free advice from the Divine Ms. L. You’re welcome.)

Some questions are fully formed. Other are implied. All indicate that some pathetic soul(s) eager information-seeker(s) went to my blog to find their answers. DISCLAIMER: I have a Master’s Degree in Counseling which qualifies me to listen to your problems until you figure them out, but I’m skating on thin ice with my laces undone when it comes to me providing any worthwhile advice. DISCLAIMER, DISCLAIMER: All “questions” (inferred and direct) are as they appeared on my “Stats” Page.

Shall we begin? Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

“Where are churches for highly sensitive people?” As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I understand your concern; but I don’t attend any form of church (being Buddhist), so I’m at a disadvantage in answering your question. But that hasn’t stopped me yet. All that chanting, singing, and “amen-ing” must be quite disturbing to an HSP. You need a church where no one talks or sings. An empty church is ideal. Have you considered attending church when it’s closed for business? Yes, there may be a janitor there, but you could say you saw a mess in the restroom that needs immediate attention, which means you have to make a mess in the restroom (you don’t want to lie in a church; but plugging a toilet for your sanity seems worth it, at least to you). HSPs must often go to extreme lengths to create an environment amenable to their comfort. Let’s just hope the janitor isn’t also an HSP.

Excuse me. You may want to check the restroom. Something isn't working properly in there, so help me God.

“Why hillbilly truck trailer flies off road?” Um. Moonshine?

Yee Ha! We is good to go. Them tires look fine to me. Course, I been quality assuring the moonshine all day...

“How to I find someone to giggle with?” Um. Moonshine?

“What is the difference between giving up and letting go?” I give up. Now, I’m letting you go. Goodbye. See the difference?

“How do I quilt stained glass?” First you need a VERY strong needle, probably about 100 of them depending on the size of your project. Then I recommend Combat boots, a Kevlar suit, helmet and face shield. Make sure you undertake this project in a room you plan never to use again because shards of glass are sneaky and appear long after the crime scene craft project is cleaned up. Finally, be sure to have all end-of-life documents in order. Have fun and be sure to take pictures. We love to see people’s craft projects (and the coroner always finds photos helpful).

Now all you need are some heavy-duty needles and you're ready to start quilting on glass!

“Why change my religion to Methodist?” I’m guessing this is a trick question. I’ll have to phone a friend and get back to you in my next life.

“How do I be sexy while volunteering?” I suspect you’re not a Literacy Volunteer. It would depend on so many factors: your age, gender, what your volunteer duties are, for whom you’re trying to be sexy… Generally speaking, hair nets, coveralls or large vests with “Property of State Correctional Facility” in block letter printed on them, and holding implements like pooper-scoopers put you at and immediate disadvantage no matter who you are.

I get off at 2:00, after the lunch rush at the soup kitchen. Wanna see what else I can do with mashed potatoes?

“How do I annoy husband?” So many ideas, so little time…

“What is Lorna’s problem?” I know some people who would love to answer this question, but they don’t have access to my blog. So I need to reflect on this question. I don’t like to think of life in terms of “problems”; I like to think of life in terms of “issues” or “challenges.” This Internet Searcher clearly has an “issue” with me. But which one? I have so many. Maybe you could help.

Thanks. I’ll work on my “issues.”

“What does a girl mean when she says I’m going to be honest with you?” I can tell you this for sure: it’s not good news. Here are some possible things you might here after she says this to you:

  1. “You can keep swinging your bat, but you’re not getting off home plate.”
  2. “You know that new ad campaign for STD’s? I’m the poster girl.”
  3. “I want to be a single parent. Thanks for the memories and the sperm.”
  4. “I think you’re nice, but I’m just not into your hobbies or your friends.”

Really?

Signing off until the next edition of Dear Divine Ms. L. …,

Ta Ta For Now (TTFN)! I’ll be up to another bag of tricks soon.